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a newly married couple were making their ground rules
Husband...babe l have only one rule.l will come home anytime l want and when l want
Wife..l understand dear my rule is they will be supper @ 7pm in this house and they will be sex after that everyday with or without you

During work, John and William were chatting:
John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
William: oh!
John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
William: No
John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
William: No
John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
William: No
John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, William got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is George Hunt?
John: No
William: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!

FIRST NIGHT
A man gets married. After the 1st nyt, his friends ask him. "hey,how was the 1st nyt huh? Somehow u luk slightly worried."
"Oh everythng went fyn and i had a very nice time. But at the end, out of a BAD HABIT,i gave her $20 "HAHAHAHAHA.,.oh forget it
man,anyway shez now yo wife and the money wil be with u fellows only," his frnds consoled. "Yeeaahh, thats true. But what
worried me is the fact that she immediately reached for her purse
and gave me 5 dollars change

a husband and wife refer to making love as a telephone call
Husband:may l make a phone call my dear
Wife :no network my dear
Husband:if its like that then l ll use a public phone sweety
Wife :if u dare try do that then l ll simply open a call centre my love

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer askshim, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Have you ever served in the military?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

does anyone have an owner's manual for a girlfriend? Mine's making a terrible loud whinning noise.

wat`s terryz name????!!!

Ways to piss off a Zimbo!

1.switch off zesa during a soccer match
2.tell them a joke about Zesa cuming back..''magetsi auya''..lol
3.Give them change as a credit note or bubblegum =no coins fo kombi
4.Go to London for a week and come back with an accent
5.Victoria falls belongs to zambia

I NEED TO POISON MY HUSBAND

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy
some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband. The pharmacists eyes got
big and he exclaimed, Lord have mercy! I cant give you cyanide to kill your
husband! That's against the law! Ill lose my license! They'll throw both of
us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT
have any cyanide!

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacists wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied, Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.

terry: Babe im sorry i have to confess, im married and have 2 kids,
Girl: (gasping), gosh , for a minute there i thot you were gon say this BMW is not yours.

Journalist: "Mr Chinotimba i understand you are the breadwinner in your
family?"

Chinoz : "I am not hearing that allegation for the first time, I have heard
it before. It's the work of those who want to tarnish my name. I want to
tell you that I have never been in any competition to win bread. Ask those
people who say I am a breadwinner, where they saw me win that bread? I don't
need to be a breadwinner to feed my family, I can buy it with my own money.
Those claiming I am a breadwinner must be careful otherwise I will sue them"

Diary of a New Bride


Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Jim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately ". Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing". So I didn't dress.. But Jim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them. I think it was the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe, which said , " Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind of silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday: Today Jim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, and then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Jim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work; I'll try and be supportive.

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it". Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again; it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Jim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday.I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute.When Jim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?"

It has to be his job.

Muface: Babie ndikutengere chii for lunch?
Babie: Debonairs pizza
Muface: kuti ndikutengere tanga wagona spelling ya Debonairs pizza
Babie: haa, tibvirepo, chitenga KFC

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

In an interview:

Q: Vakuru, basa riripano nderekutema nekugobora miti, manje hameno kana makamboriita before because rinoda physical fitness, makamboshandawo here basa rakadai?
A: Yah, ndobasa rangu chairo, ndakarishanda kwemakore.
Q: Maishanda kupi?
A: Ndakasevenza ku, ku, ku, kwainzi ku, ku Kalahari Forest, ku Botswana.
Q: Do u mean 2 say Kalahari desert?
A: Heya imi munoziva rava desert ka? Raiva sango rese riya, tisu takaritema kusvika rizonzi desert.
Q: So for how long did u work there? I mean your experience?
A: 34 years!
Q: How old are you?
A: Ndine 28 years.
Q: So how come kuti your work experience is more than your age?
A: Ndairova maovertime

Be careful of those u call friends

John akaenda kumba kweshamwari yake,Nyasha kunotamba ma cards.varipakati pekutamba,John akadonhedza macards ake pasi petebhuru.paakati anonge,ndokuona kuti mukadzi waNyasha haana kupfeka bhurugwa.akasimuka zveginya ndokurovera musoro wake pa table ndokukumbira kuenda ku bathroom kuti anozvitarisa.mukadzi waNyash akati handei ndinokuratidzai bathro...om.vasvika mukadzi uya ndokuti 'mafarira zvamaona pasi petafura here?'John ndokuti hongu.zvikanzi 'kana muchizvida huyai musi wechishanu na 2 masikati.but zvinoita $100.'musi wechishanu ukasvika John akasvika ndokurova zvinhu akabhadhara mari yake ndokuenda.Nyasha akasvika manheru ndokuti kumukadzi wake 'John’ asvika pano masikati here?'mukadzi akarohwa nehana ndokuti ehe.zvikanzi na Nyasha 'asiya $100 here?'mukadzi akati nechemumoyo 'nhasi ndazobatwa pano' ndobva angoti ehe...Nyasha ndokuti 'ok,adarika nekubasa kwangu makuseni achikumbira mari iyoyo akati achaisiya kwauri masikati ano.ndiyo shamwari yakatendeka ka iyi'.

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the sh*t of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with sh*t, but now you ask me to make decisions."

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."